What Would Jesus Drink?

La Mano Poderosa

2008-11-12T18:54:00.001-08:00

La Mano Poderosa -- The All Powerful Hand.

Note, literally the Lambs drinking of the blood.

it is said that 4 of the 5 figures depict Jesus' father Joseph, mother Mary, and Mary's parents, St. Joachim and St. Anne.

Transubstantiation allegory, prevalent in Latin American art:

Not Jesus

2006-10-14T14:21:00.000-07:00

This ain't Jesus, but I'm quite sure the juice is good stuff:

"Rum rum, I rerry rike dis rummy Rafite Rofschild."

Forgive Me for I Have Sinned...Big Time

2006-10-09T08:26:00.000-07:00

What penance would Jesus dish? Post Modern Prohibition Watch I:

Spin the Bottle - Mark Foley's 10-step rehab program.
By William Saletan
Slate Magazine

Bad news: You've been caught (a) taking bribes from Jack Abramoff, (b) telling a police officer that "the Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world," or (c) exchanging naked fantasies with teenage boys. What do you do? If you're Mel Gibson, Rep. Bob Ney (R-Ohio), or former Rep. Mark Foley (R-Fla.), you blame alcohol. Here's their 10-step program for rehabilitating your career.

1. Take "full responsibility." This is crucial. Only by accepting blame in principle can you shift it in practice. After being caught in the Abramoff scandal, for example, Ney issued a statement that pledged "to accept responsibility for what I have done" and then segued to his "dependence on alcohol." Gibson's statement, released after his anti-Semitic rant during a drunk-driving arrest, opened with the excuse and then segued to responsibility: "After drinking alcohol on Thursday night, I did a number of things that were very wrong."

Foley's statement takes the Gibsonian approach. "Painfully, the events that led to my resignation have crystallized recognition of my longstanding significant alcohol and emotional difficulties," he begins in the third-person passive. After two more paragraphs on his "disease" and his "treatment for alcoholism," he vows to "accept full responsibility for the harm I have caused." In press conferences, Foley's spokesman, David Roth, smoothly blends the rhetoric of responsibility with the chemistry of excuses: "Based upon the experts that I have spoken to, the combination of alcohol [and] mental illness can result in inappropriate conduct, which Mark Foley has fully accepted responsibility for."

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2. Confess that the disease is bigger than you. This is no time for arrogance. Only by expressing humility and weakness can you feign inability to control your behavior. Thus, Gibson puzzled over slurs that were "blurted out in a moment of insanity," seemingly against his will. Likewise, Roth portrays Foley as a casualty of a natural disaster: "The recent tragic events that led to Mark's recognition that he is ill and that his alcoholism and mental illness are beyond his control reached a crisis point on Friday."

3. Depict the drunken you as a stranger. According to the sober Gibson, the plastered Gibson "said things that I do not believe to be true." In a second statement, Gibson added with pained innocence, "I am in the process of understanding where those vicious words came from during that drunken display." Similarly, Roth suggests there are two Foleys: "The communications that he made while under the influence of alcohol … are not the product of the Mark Foley—the sober and healthy Mark Foley—but are the product of someone under the influence of alcohol and suffering from mental illness."

4. Call yourself an alcoholic. Foley adopts the label directly: "I am an alcoholic." This is vital, because when you're also a crook, anti-Semite, or pervert, "alcoholic" sounds so much nicer. Millions of people are alcoholic or love someone who's alcoholic. Embrace the label, and they'll embrace you. Roth adds a nifty twist to this maneuver, calling Foley "a closet drinker." Everyone knows Foley had a closet. The only question is what's in it. Booze is the least shocking answer he can hope to get away with.

5. Duck and recover. It's no fun explaining why you sold your vote for casino chips or asked an underage lacrosse player what he does in the nude. Your best move is to disappear into the nearest substance-abuse clinic, where you can "recover" until the media pack has moved on. That's what Ney did when reporters demanded to know whether he'd resign. "He is taking things one step at a time," Ney's lawyer told them. Roth brushes aside questions about Foley's fate the same way. "Those issues will be dealt with when Mark's treatment hopefully results in his recovery," he says. "He's in treatment" sounds so much better than "no comment."

6. Ask for help. If you're the villain in the present drama, replace it with a new drama in which you're the victim. "I am asking the Jewish community, whom I have personally offended, to help me on my journey through recovery," said Gibson. "Over the years, I have worked to help others, but now I am the one that needs help," said Ney. Now Foley needs help, too. "The focus of our work," says Roth, "has been exclusively dedicated to getting Mark the help that he acknowledged that he needed and could not deal with on his own."

7. Medicate promptly. No one will believe you if you promise to stop hating Jews, taking bribes, or flirting with boys tomorrow. Reform takes time. But recast your character problem as a substance problem and you can "treat" it right away. "I have begun an ongoing program of recovery," Gibson announced four days after his slurs became public. It worked: By the time he came up for sentencing, the judge gave him credit for having "'already engaged in an extensive amount of rehabilitation." Ney took the same approach, embracing "professional help" for his "dependency." Foley, moving even more quickly, has announced his "immediate treatment for alcoholism and related behavioral problems." The story of what you did may get worse, but the story of your "treatment" always gets better.

8. Take credit for fighting your addiction. While blaming your sins on factors beyond your control, don't hesitate to frame your flight to the clinic as an act of courage and free will. "I have battled the disease of alcoholism for all of my adult life," Gibson declared. Foley, too, is a hero. "Mark voluntarily entered a substance abuse and mental health facility," says Roth. "This decision was Mark's … This was a life decision, not a tactical one made by others."

9. Compartmentalize the problem. While using alcohol to explain away everything from golf junkets to selling commercial endorsements in the Congressional Record, never admit to drinking on the job. Remember, alcohol pervaded your life but not your schedule. Despite amorous instant messages in which Foley tells a young man "we are still voting" and "I better go vote," Roth insists Foley "was never under the influence of alcohol while he was a public servant." Instead, Foley drank only "alone" and "at night."

10. Add excuses as needed. Two days after declaring himself an alcoholic, Foley announced that as a boy, he had been molested by a clergyman. "Mark does not blame the trauma he sustained as a young adolescent for his totally inappropriate emails and IM's. He continues to offer no excuse whatsoever for his conduct," said Roth. But the spokesman continued: "As is so often the case with victims of abuse, Mark advises that he kept his shame to himself for almost 40 years." Who needs a scapegoat when you've got a "trauma" that recasts you as the "victim"? The most powerful excuses are those you never call by that name.

Jesus Juice

2006-04-19T18:38:00.000-07:00

I am pretty certain that Jesus would have drank this juice:

Red Hands of Salome

2006-04-14T15:31:00.000-07:00

Prince Herod was a bad little prince. Although married, while galavanting in Rome, he fell in love and impregnated his neice, Herodias, and took her back to Galilee. (In modern terms, this would probably be a juvenile incest felony, with a kidnapping count to boot.) Even by the lax standards of these bibical bad-boys, Herod was bad. John the Baptist scolded Herod publicly for his adultery.

In one of the earliest examples of the Stockhold Syndrome, Herodias decided to get even with John the Baptist for the reproach.

At Herod's birthday, everyone was drunk.

It is a tragedy of history that the varietal and vintage was not recorded.

Herodias sent in her daughter, Salome, who did a dance for Herod. That must have been some lapdance she gave her ... father. (Yikes...) Herod offered to grant her any gift she wanted. It's not quite clear that Herodias had this completely figured out in advance, but hey its a good, lascivious story, so let's continue....

Salome asked her scheming mother Herodias what wish she should make, and Herodias whispered, "The head of John to Baptist."

Salome dutifully told her Papa, what Mama had suggested. John the Baptist's head was promptly cut off.

Anyway, Salome was likely hot, but Herodias must have been absolutely scorching hot.

<--- Herodias the Hot Head

Salome the Saucy Daughter -->

Actual Conversation I

2006-02-11T23:06:00.000-08:00

Hey, Jesus.

-Hmmmph.

Hey, Jesus.

-Hmmph.

Dude!

-What?

Which was better, the '53 La Mission Haut Brion, or the '61 Latour?

-The '53 La Mission, but only 'cuz the Latour was slightly corked.

But you liked the Latour, right?

-Good, but not great.

Will you turn those Arrowhead water bottles in the garage into '53 La Mission?

-No, I won't.

Heal the Drunk With Wine

2006-01-05T07:28:00.000-08:00

Maybe Jesus knew that "wine cures." It took us 2000 more years to learn that?

Study toasts free drinks for homeless alcoholics
Jan 05 12:05 AM US/Eastern

Free drinks may improve the health and lives of homeless alcoholics and reduce their run-ins with police, according to a study published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal.
Seventeen chronic alcoholics who drank upwards of 46 glasses a day over the past 35 years, including cheap substitutes such as mouthwash that often led to unconsciousness, were offered a glass of wine or sherry each hour, from 7:00 am to 10:00 pm at an Ottawa shelter over five to 24 months.
..."[As a result of the program], three quit, three died of alcohol-related disease before the end of the study, but 11 others reported "a markedly decreased consumption of beverage and non-beverage alcohol, and most reported improved sleep, hygiene, nutrition and health," according to the authors of the study.

" ... 'Once the craziness of their alcoholism is under control, their wasted lives on the street turned around, they're interesting people and all that destructive behavior is behind them. They'll never be fully integrated into society, but they'll be less of a drain and even contributors. By giving them alcohol in modest and controlled amounts, we've been able to minimize the harm they do to themselves and work on their bad behavior.' "

Idiots Screw Up A Key Gospel Message

2005-12-31T09:08:00.000-08:00

The Books of Matthew and Mark have Jesus being offered wine both before being nailed to the cross, and again while hanging from the cross.

"They wanted Jesus to drink wine mixed with something bitter. Jesus tasted it but he would not drink it." Matthew 27:34

(Luke and John record a single offering of wine to Jesus, while he was nailed to the cross.)

Prohibitionists -- you know, Carrie Nation and those loons -- have always wanted to suppress any reference to Jesus drinking wine. How can they call wine evil, if Jesus tasted it? Or turned water into wine? Some go so far as to claim that "wine" meant simply grape juice. You know, the kind that goes rancid in a few days. Loons.

Such silly thinking results in 1984-style translations that scrub out the word "wine." The New King James, for example, tries to convince us that it was vinegar that Jesus tasted, not wine:

"they gave Him vinegar to drink mingled with gall. And when He had tasted thereof, He would not drink." Matthew 27:34

Yep, just what I'd like. After a hot afternoon of dragging the crucifix to the cemetery ... give me a tall glass of vinegar, will ya? What a load of bull. Amazing how zealots have corrupted the scriptures over the years, to the detriment of theology.

Do you think that maybe ... just maybe ... the supporters of a condemned man - like Jesus at Golgotha - endeavored to get him drunk? As in, really drunk...passed-out drunk...drugged-up? Big hint: Ethanol -- aka alcohol -- acts as an anesthetic.

Best if you blow a .35 or better on the Breathalyzer. Ever see a Western, or a war movie, where a triage doctor gets the injured man drunk before sawing off soem body part?

Seems like reasonable behavior for friends of a condemned man to do, 2000 years ago: Try to lessen his coming suffering by loading him up with the only anesthesia available: Wine.

So why would two of the Gospels have Jesus being offered wine just before getting nailed to the cross, and why would he refuse?

1. To show that Jesus had the opportunity to lessen his own suffering.
2. To show the he rejected the anesthesia, and accepted the full suffering.

And as a matter of theology, isn't is reasonable to assume that Jesus would refuse? If he were to accept anesthesia, wouldn't it be inconsistent with the theological doctine that Jesus "suffered, died and was buried?"

By doctine, his horrible suffering was a necessary part of his crucifixion. Right? Not a bad theory, anyway. It certainly makes far more logical and theological sense, than his being offered vinegar.

So the Prohibitionists who endeavor to remove "wine" from the Bible, masking an important Gospel fact that supports an important theological point.

The Awful Truth about Awful Altar Wine

2005-12-31T08:46:00.000-08:00

There's nothing quite like a mouthful of terrible altar wine on Sunday morning. I thought it was just me. But apparently not:

"There they offered Jesus wine to drink, mixed with gall; but after tasting it, he refused to drink it." Matthew 27:34

Why is communion wine so terrible? Maybe to be true to Matthew?

You'd think they'd break out the good stuff for the occasion? "Bring out the choice wine!..." John 2:10.

Bad Wine Is Profane

2005-10-09T13:24:00.000-07:00

So in John Chapter 2 - the "Water into Wine" Gospel - the bouncer stops Jesus and his entourage, because they didn't bring any wine. Jesus was a bit miffed that his Mom forget to pack the wine. He turns 6 pitchers of water into wine. Good stuff, at that.

Not a whole lot of messy ingredients involved in this wine. Water, just add Jesus.

Catholic Law - Canon Law - has the doctrine of Transubstantiation to deal with. (More on that little doctrine, later.) What wine is worthy of representing the blood of the savior in this weekly part of the Mass?

Canon Law - Part I, Title II, Chapter 1, Article III, lays down the law about communion wine (also altar wine, or sacramental wine):

Can. 924

1. The most holy Sacrifice of the Eucharist must be celebrated in bread, and in wine to which a small quantity of water is to be added.

2. The bread must be wheaten only, and recently made, so that there is no danger of corruption.
3. The wine must be natural, made from grapes of the vine, and not corrupt.

Canon Law came long after Jesus. Would Jesus agree that wine must be natural, from grapes, and pure/not corrupt? I think he'd be OK with it.

924 is a sound canon. Not every winemaker can be the King of Kings, so making natural pure juice is a good back-up rule for mere mortals.

St. Paul chimed in, too. In his First Letter to the Corinthians - part of which you hear at every wedding! - he wrote:

"Whoever, therefore, eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of profaning the body and blood of the Lord." I Corinthians 11:27

"Profaning the body and blood of the Lord?" Wow. I thought bad wine just made for a worse hangover.

So drink good wine, or you will profane the Lord, and yourself (according to I Corinthians 11:29).

Did Jesus Prefer Colt 45 Malt Liquor, Or Michelob Ultra?

2005-10-02T22:58:00.000-07:00

So, what would Jesus drink while watching the Dodgers get beat again? Maybe it depends upon what church he identifies himself with. So let's look at the stats. My guess is Jesus would be more likely to prefer a Colt 45 if he were Black Protestant, than, say, if he were Centrist Mainline Protestant.

Here is a breakdown of the religious affiliation of the US population, according to a Pew Research study from 2004 (4000 sample size):

% figures reflect percent of US population identifying themselves in the stated religious affiliation:

Evangelical Protestant 26.3%, as follows:
Traditionalist Evangelical 12.6%
Centrist Evangelical 10.8%
Modernist Evangelical 2.9%

Mainline Protestant 16.0%, as follows:
Traditionalist Mainline 4.3%
Centrist Mainline 7.0%
Modernist Mainline 4.7%

Latino Protestants 2.8%

Black Protestants 9.6%

Catholic 17.5%, as follows:
Traditionalist Catholic 4.4%
Centrist Catholic 8.1%
Modernist Catholic 5.0%

Latino Catholic 4.5%

Other Christian 2.7%

Other Faiths 2.7%

Jewish 1.9%

Unaffiliated 16.0%, as follows:
Unaffiliated Believers 5.3%
Secular 7.5%
Atheist, Agnostic 3.2%

***

How "important" is religion? This, from a scientific poll in 2002:

"How important would you say religion is in your life? Is it..."

very important - 64%
somewhat important - 23%
somewhat unimportant - 6%
very unimportant - 7%
DK/NA/refused - 0%

Breaking that down - same study > money where the mouth is:

"Aside from weddings and funerals, how often do you attend religious services?"

Once a Week or More: 47%, as follows
more than once a week - 20%
once a week - 27%

Once a Month or More: 62%, as follows:
more than once a week - 20%
once a week - 27%
once or twice a month - 15%

A few times a year - 18%

Seldom or Never - 20%

DK/NA/refused - 1%

Yeah, I Know It's a BYOB. Try This Parker 98-Pointer

2005-10-02T20:26:00.000-07:00

No one has really ever nailed John Chapter 2 - the "Water into Wine" Gospel..

Basically, Jesus and his entourage attend (read: "crash") a party in Cana. (Wedding Crashers is not a modern practice.) It's a BYOB. Mary isn't able to bluff her way past the bouncer, so Jesus has to step up. He is not entirely happy about that - his big day for miracles has not yet come. But alas, he steps up. Mary tells the slaves to fetch some bottles, and Jesus pulls a Jedi mind trick and turns the water to 6 pitchers of wine, which the bouncer takes to the boss.

The party boss grabs the knuckleheaded groom, and says, "You're not supposed to save the good stuff for last, moron! People are drunk already, they know not what they drink! This stuff is great."

It's unclear if Jesus made a 7th bottle of "reserve."

Anyway, it's in John 2, the only source of the Water into Wine story (although John 4 reiterates it):

1And the third day there was a marriage in Cana of Galilee; and the mother of Jesus was there: 2And both Jesus was called, and his disciples, to the marriage.
3And when they wanted wine, the mother of Jesus saith unto him, They have no wine.
4Jesus saith unto her, Woman, what have I to do with thee? mine hour is not yet come.
5His mother saith unto the servants, Whatsoever he saith unto you, do it.
6And there were set there six waterpots of stone, after the manner of the purifying of the Jews, containing two or three firkins apiece.
7Jesus saith unto them, Fill the waterpots with water. And they filled them up to the brim.
8And he saith unto them, Draw out now, and bear unto the governor of the feast. And they bare it.
9When the ruler of the feast had tasted the water that was made wine, and knew not whence it was: (but the servants which drew the water knew;) the governor of the feast called the bridegroom,
10And saith unto him, Every man at the beginning doth set forth good wine; and when men have well drunk, then that which is worse: but thou hast kept the good wine until now.
11This beginning of miracles did Jesus in Cana of Galilee, and manifested forth his glory; and his disciples believed on him.

Vin de Merde

2005-09-19T20:02:00.000-07:00

Pissed off French winemakers will sue you if you insult their wine. Actually, you have to defame it by calling it "vin de merde.* It's defamatory in France.

It was a little rougher justice outside Golgotha about 2000 years ago. When faced with some vin de merde, Jesus wouldn't drink it:

"They wanted Jesus to drink wine mixed with something bitter. Jesus tasted it but he would not drink it."

He was killed shortly thereafter.

By the way, Bill Clinton (from the Bible Belt) made the claim that he tried pot, but didn't inhale. He ripped that straight from the Book of Mark: "Bill tried it but he would not inhale it."

_
* - "Shit wine."

Jesus the Wine Critic

2005-09-18T19:56:00.000-07:00

Jesus was an astute wine critic. Crucified on the cross, his dying words were one final wine review for the Jerusalem Gazette:

"After this, Jesus, knowing that all was now finished, said (to fulfill the Scripture), "I thirst." A jar full of sour wine stood there, so they put a sponge full of the sour wine on a hyssop branch and held it to his mouth. When Jesus had received the sour wine, he said, "It is finished," and he bowed his head and gave up his spirit." John 19:28 et seq.

Most Gospel editors didn't like the idea of Jesus' last words being a critique of wine.

Generations have been taught to believe that the "it" in, "It is finished" was a literary reference to his life on Earth. Nice allegory, but I'll apply Occam's Razor. "It" referred to the lousy wine he just drank. Back then, wine critics didn't use numbers to rate wine. Can you imagine if the Prophet's dying words were, "Hmm...I give it a 72"?

If I drank wine from an open container in the desert, I'd say, "It's shot" or "it's cooked."

"It is finished" -- same thing.

Now you know one of the many secrets.